Hippies Use Backdoor

Yesterday wasn’t nearly as terrifying as I had planned it on being. I could tell you that the doctors had fangs and wore pointy hats but they didn’t. To skip the section about my journey there jump ahead two paragraphs.

After completing my final day of work (yay!) I hurried to OHSU. Took all the right turns until exit 1C came about…. And then missed it while reading my directions. Damn. For those of you who don’t know yet, I get lost EVERYWHERE. It’s horrible, I went to Washington on accident on my first day of work, but anyway

I wound up at OMSI until I finally asked two nice runners how on earth to get back on track. They drew me a map and I was back on my way. But I want to ask the construction workers and engineers, Why did you make it so difficult to get up that damn hill? It’s very twisty with odd turns. And when they say to give yourself 20-30 minutes for parking -They aren’t joking. …I suppose it doesn’t help that I parked on the other side of campus.

All in all I’m pretty satisfied with how the appointment went. The nurse told me that these “clinics” happen on Wednesdays and Thursdays each week, and apparently doctors and patients come to this particular clinic from all over the West coast. Crazy.

I had two doctors in there, one who I think was from the East coast and then the OHSU doc. They asked a bunch of questions, and were particularly curious as to my menstrual cup. I guess not as many people use the cup as I had thought, I’ll tell you more about it in a later entry. They wanted me to take it out in the room and… That wasn’t happening.

After taking out the cup I got all propped up on the table and they handed me a mirror. I hate it when doctors make me look at my cooter with a mirror. J always says I have a pretty one; but when it’s all spread open and gaping at me I’m left wondering why any guy would want to put his love pipe up that cavity.

They numbed it and poked around a little. As it turns out I’m fairly treatable! Yay! I’ve been prescribed with a numbing ointment and physical therapy. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I’m getting prescribed with fancy vibrators.

After the exam and I was smeared with blood and numbing ointment I had to go to the bathroom to wipe up and put the cup back in. Now this task was much more difficult than it needed to be. Essentially… I wound up running down the hallway with two paper skirts held around my waist by my doctor… Barefoot with clothes and tote in hand.

“You have a nice poofy dress just like prom,” she commented.

“Sorry doc, you’re nice and all but we make horrible dancing partners.”

They gave me tons of reading material and a specified diagnosis: Vestibulitis and Vaginismus.

Most of it just refers to my specific diagnosis and if you have any questions regarding it feel free to email me but otherwise I’ll just leave that part out. But they did give me a sheet with suggestions that you guys may or may not find useful.

1. “If there is any sexual or sensual activity, where you are confident that you can be comfortable and pain-free. What are they?”

Take a few moments to think about this questions. Then talk with your partner on your thoughts.

2. Talk, share, instruct one another about what is and could be comfortable sexual and sensual encounters.

3. Sex is more than intercourse. Increase and indulge your sexual repertoire.

4. Use lubricant liberally. I recommend System Jo H20’s water based lube. -Condom safe and excellent for ladies with flora imbalances (yeast, bacterial vaginitis) or sensitive genitalia.

5. Physical therapy with a practitioner who specializes in gyecological disorders and treatment.

6. At-home biofeedback with vaginal dilators.

7. Stress reduction with special focus on the pelvic floor muscles.

8. Couples counseling.

9. Male partners: Take care of your own sexuality. Be careful about habitual patterns. (ejaculating quickly, being intercourse-focused.)

Wow, that was a wordy post. Hopefully someone got some benefit from it.

Happy May ya’ll.

-C